I’m pretty sure I’ve covered this before, but it seems not everyone has gotten the message, so I thought perhaps we could all use a refresher course in How To Not Be A Dick On Public Transportation.

A huge part of not being a dick on public transportation is music etiquette. Do you have an mp3 player or CD player that you often listen to on the subway? Of course you do. But are your headphones shitty, enabling everyone around you who isn’t also listening to music to hear your crap? Yes? Congratulations, you’re a dick. Get some better headphones.

Also important is refraining from singing or dancing along to your music, whether or not it’s audible to others. The dancing, especially, makes you look insane. Not insane as in cool, more like insane as in I have to turn around and face the other way because it hurts me to look at you. The singing part should be self-explanatory, but I’ll spell it out for you: you probably can’t sing and nobody wants to hear you try. Save that shit for the shower. (Note: the no-singing clause also encompasses the busting of rhymes, however phat.)

If you’ve met these requirements, you’re already making significant progress toward not being a dick on public transportation. But there’s still more! Let’s say you’re one of the lucky few whose commute involves a bus: the fact that you have cellphone service above ground does not mean that you should be on the god damned phone. Check your mail, send some text messages - sure. But no extended conversations ("WHAT? NO, I’M ON THE- I’M ON THE BUS! WHAT? NO, THE BUS! DID YOU GET- LOOK I’M ON THE BUS, I’LL CALL YOU WHEN I’M IN THE ELEVATOR!") and no testing every ring tone your hell-spawned device has to offer.

You may have noticed that most of the guidelines for not being a dick on public transportation boil down to shutting the fuck up and letting everyone else concentrate in peace on the misery of their own lives. This is essentially true - if you can manage to be quiet, your chances of not being a dick increase dramatically. There are other methods, of course - not sitting on top of other people, not bringing with you any major appliances or SUV-sized strollers, not spilling anything on anyone - but those are better suited to a more advanced class in not being a dick.

I hope this refresher has been helpful.