The thing you have to remember is that the second you enter the subway system, you as a tourist become the lowest form of life imaginable. Residents, on the other hand, transform into etiquette fascists, filled with almost unbelievable quantities of both rancor and fury. Most of them will actually like you less than the rats that are scurrying around down by the tracks, because at least the rats aren’t getting in anyone’s way. Once you’ve accepted that while underground you are a vile and soulless creature hated by everyone around you, you’re off to a good start.

1. Get a subway map, and study it before you even leave your hotel. (Better yet, look at the clickable map on the MTA site instead.) Figure out your route now, before you’re blocking the platform or leaning over some poor commuter sitting in the seat under the map. She doesn’t like your perfume, by the way. Once you know what line you need to take and what stop you need to get off at, the only signs you need to pay attention to when you’re in the station itself are the ones with your line listed on them. Follow the arrows. Ignore, for the most part, the “Local” and “Express” signs, because they are misleading and almost completely useless.

2. When you are in a subway station, walk quickly or stand in one place. Don’t meander, and stay well out of the way of the staircases and the train doors. Never, ever stop on the stairs themselves to talk to someone or see if your group is still together - these are all things that can wait thirty seconds until you’re out of the way. Keep to the right if you walk slowly.

3. If you’re visiting during the week and dislike being packed into a train such that you don’t even need to hold onto a pole since you’re pretty much crowdsurfing the entire time anyway, you may want to consider avoiding rush hour trains entirely.

4. If you decide to brave the crowds, you absolutely must move into the middle of the train when you board it. It doesn’t matter if you’re only going two stops, people will get out of your way when the time comes to get off. But if you hover by the door when fifty people are waiting to board behind you, expect to be forcibly removed.

5. If you can possibly manage it, figure out how to get where you’re going from the information that’s on the web or from directions provided by your destination. If you take up ten minutes of the booth person’s time asking how to get to the Met, that’s ten minutes during which the MetroCard line is snaking out of control behind you. Even those of us who don’t need new MetroCards then have to navigate a path through the line itself, and everyone gets more pissed off (if that’s possible).

Remember that when we’re above ground, we don’t really hate you. It’s just that the subway is bad enough without people making it unnecessarily worse, and all we want to do is get to work and back without incident. I’m perfectly happy to provide detailed directions to any destination in Manhattan if you stop me on the sidewalk, but once we’re past that turnstile, I am a raging beast of a commuter and it is advisable to stay out of my way.