If your ass is larger than a subway seat, do not attempt to sit down in a single empty spot between two people. This is especially important when one of the people who is already sitting down has a wall or pole on her other side, and can only watch in horror as your gigantic ass descends.

I don’t care what town you’re from or that you’ve only been in New York for four hours: when the doors open, you let the irritable commuters get off the train before you attempt to insert your fanny-packed family into the crowd that is still on it. If you block the doors for even half a second, the irritable commuters will become much more irritable, and you will understand immediately why New York has the reputation that it does. Think Africanized honey bees. Similarly, do not stand at the bottom (or top) of a staircase with one of those enormous subway maps fully unfolded, oblivious to the fact that you are completely in the fucking way.

These suggestions are not unreasonable, I feel. But you’d be surprised how many days out of the week I ride to work with a commuter’s ass half in my lap or nearly miss my stop because some jackass with a Ground Zero t-shirt doesn’t realize that people must get off the train before anyone can get on. These are days when only my beloved iPod keeps me from doing things both hostile and unwise.