If you’re a junior high type person who’s interested in exploring this whole crazy goth thing, you might be tempted to stop by Trash & Vaudeville for your new wardrobe. But keep in mind the following if you want to retain any of your nascent goth points:

1. First and foremost, don’t bring your mom. I realize that when you’re twelve or possibly thirteen, she’s pretty much the piggy bank as far as clothes are concerned. But you know perfectly well that she’s not going to like anything they sell at T&V, and having her stand outside the fitting room asking if your rump is too big for those pants is only going to make things worse for you. This is where part time jobs come in handy - when I was your age, I washed dishes at a seafood restaurant so I could afford my own fishnets. Plus I had to walk uphill through the snow to the fishnet store. Both ways.

2. Don’t ask any of the staff if they have those pants that Avril Lavigne wore in her last video. For that matter, don’t assume anyone there knows what Avril Lavigne’s last video was.

3. Definitely don’t show up with Crow-style makeup done in brown eyeliner. Not that Crow-style makeup is ever really excusable - but seriously, if you don’t have any black eyeliner yet, just call the whole thing off.

4. Don’t read the patch on my bag (which used to be a shirt) and ask me what the other eight types are. This doesn’t really have anything to do with losing goth points, I just don’t like it when people talk to me.

5. Finally, if you’ve ignored number one and brought your mom, at least refrain from taking her advice about what clothes to buy. She’s your mom, remember - if she likes it, you’re obviously doing something wrong.