While he hasn’t run for his life (yet), Chris has nonetheless provided his own collection of things he feels I ought to know before I spend any more time leafing through IKEA catalogs on the train.

As most of you now know, my feline friend and I will be gaining a roommate within a month. In the spirit of letting Emma know who wears the pants, here’s a list of things she should remember:

You will have to assume cat-feeding responsibilites if you wish to become a productive member of this household. Think of the sad kitty, crying for food and confused, wondering why you’re ignoring him. Be good to the kitty and he will not poke out your eyes.

I’m very bad at remembering to do laundry as well. That’s why I wear black and have so many pairs of socks.

Looking under the couch invites disaster. You’d be attacked by mutant dustbunnies, and I don’t think I’d be able to save you.

The left-bottom kitchen cabinet holds my plastic bag collection. These bags are never used for anything. They are there purely for my entertainment.

Feel free to add to my culinary arsenal of 2 forks, 2 spoons, 2 glasses, 1 bowl, and 2 plates. If it has flowers on it, it goes in a box. Animals are allowed, but not animal prints.

The voicemail keycode is 7 digits because I like to be difficult.

A final word about milk: The refrigerator must (at all times) be capable of holding 1 gallon of milk. No exceptions. When I say “milk,” I mean “liquid secreted from bovine,” and not soy. Milk is a staple of my diet, and I become quite irate if milk is not available. Milk is to be placed on the top shelf, left side.