Tampax’s ad for their new Compak line of tampons has the distinction of being the stupidest god damned commercial I’ve ever seen in my life. Pubescent girl and her pubescent boyfriend are arguing at a diner about whether or not she has some unnamed item, and her purse is emptied onto the table to verify that she doesn’t. A dramatic pause as boyfriend picks up what is obviously a yellow plastic-wrapped tampon and girl’s eyes widen in horror. Oh no! What if he figures it out! Girl implies that it’s somehow a sugar packet and suggests that boyfriend shouldn’t be having sugar in his coffee, since he’s on a diet.

Okay, firstly, in no way does a wrapped tampon - even a wrapped tampon that is very slightly smaller than most wrapped tampons - resemble a sugar packet. Sugar packets are small, rectangular, made of paper, and usually say SUGAR on them. Tampons are larger, cylindrical, wrapped in plastic, and do not say SUGAR on them. Secondly, if the very presence of acoutrements associated with female reproductive processes instills such horror in the male you’re dating, it’s not the size of your tampon you should be worried about. If your boyfriend’s such a wuss that you have to protect his innocence with fanciful stories of sugar packets, he deserves to get a tampon in his coffee. Thirdly, if you’re that big on menstrual discretion, buy OB. Applicators are for the weak, anyway. (Note that those tampons are about a third the size of even the Tampax Compak line.)