(Why Cereal Does Not Count As Dinner)

1. You’re not supposed to eat it after dark. I’m almost positive it’s a law. You’ll be sitting there, hunched furtively over your kitchen table, the room moodily lit by a single bare bulb and suddenly the cops will break down the door. Milk spilling everywhere, spoon flying, and you’re totally caught red handed. “But officer! I ate it out of a mug instead of a bowl! Surely that counts for something?”

2. I am opposed to dinner that can be purchased in a box. This also includes, but is not limited to, Hamburger Helper.

3. I’m not saying dinner has to have meat in order to be acceptable (which would be difficult at best to reconcile with my vegetarianism, anyway) but seriously, dehydrated fruit with little grainy bits does not an evening meal make.

4. There’s no cooking involved, not even in the loosest sense of the word. Pouring doesn’t come close to qualifying. Dinner should require things like boiling water or baking, or at least microwaving something. And there should be ladles or really large spoons.

5. Dinner should not be soggy. Moisture is certainly acceptable in some circumstances - I am opposed neither to sauce nor indeed to all-out soup, but sogginess is just not appropriate. It’s one thing in the morning when you’ve just woken up and are too groggy to know any better, but there’s honestly no excuse if you’ve been awake for more than an hour.

6. Most damning of all, I just had a bowl of this wretched crap and I’m still hungry. I could eat more cereal, yes, but I won’t. I’m making a stand in the name of all that is holy: CEREAL IS NOT DINNER.