last night was entertaining. picked gundam up from work around five thirty - gundam’s coworker sam made us balloon animals. i got a red cat and an orange stegosaurus. go sam go. we collected our animals and whatnot and headed uptown; got dinner at maui tacos and some bath stuff at the body shop, then went to long island. watched powerpuff girls for a while, then matthew, mike, and killah came over and we made tea and watched taxi driver. after everyone left, we geeked around for a while and eventually went to bed.

woke up early this morning to see the new digimon, then played with the iguana for a bit. she keeps knocking over her food tray, but i rigged up something with a coathangar that i think should keep it in place at least for the moment. watched the wedding singer, showered, etc etc. later we might go to batcave. we shall see.

oof. i caught some kind of bug, i think - i woke up this morning feeling mightily shitty and i have a fever. i’ve been drinking tea and whatnot and i had a bunch of vitamin c, but i still feel pretty cruddy.

i ripped a bunch of my old cure cd’s and have been listening to those most of today. i haven’t really listened to this stuff much since high school, it’s nice to hear it again.

i think i’m going to go take a long bath. i have a headache and i can’t really think straight. more later maybe.

<emma> all these long island teenagers with livejournals
- emma boggles
<emma> i guess i should update my nonlive journal
<MrTails> dead journal
<gundammit> teehee
<emma> ahaha
<emma> undeadjournal
<MrTails> ver’ gawth

my php journal can kick your livejournal’s ass anyday. neener. i flex my text editor at you, sir.
so i bleached and redyed my hair with gundam on saturday. i love it. the red is sfx candy apple red; before it was the same dye, but over my natural color. it’s mad bright now.

david bowie is my best friend in the whole world, by the way. i don’t care if you wish he were your best friend, because he’s not. he’s mine.

saturday night at gundam’s we decided to skip batcave and hang around instead. killah and rob and straylight came over; there was anime and industrial and irc and tator tots. speaking of tator tots, eric sampled that mp3 for a song of his; check it here. yesterday morning (we didn’t really go to sleep saturday night; more of a nap) we watched the digimon movie in bed. hooray for being dorks. we lazed around for a while, went over to the mall and got more 5-htp and a new emily notebook for me. yay. new black hoodies also. when we got back to gundam’s house, he cleaned the iguana cage while i kept an eye on her in the other room; she was all pissy and stressed out. she doesn’t like people fucking with her cage, i guess. i scrubbed all the mung out of her food and water dishes, gave her some fresh greens, and she was a happy iguana. although she keeps knocking her food tray over. bitch.

ima try to get some more sleep soon i think. i’m still sleepy.

i’m at gundam’s. i just took a shower and i guess he’s out getting us breakfast or something. hooray for breakfast.

yesterday i picked him up from work and we went to that little diner on university place that chrissy and i used to go to all the time back when i lived in carlyle; they make a damn tasty grilled cheese, although their waitress seems to have difficulties telling the difference between a turkey burger and a veggie burger.

when we got home we geeked around for a while, then watched taxi driver. i’d never seen it before, but i’m definitely going to have to watch it again. great movie.

i dunno what we’re up to today. i think we might be hanging out with matt and killah and rob etc again; tonight batcave is a possibility. i’m not dying to go out, but i wouldn’t mind it. we’ll probably also redye my hair at some point.

right now i have an incredible craving for cheerios and orange juice for some reason. i haven’t had cheerios in like a year. i used to get them all the time at the russian grocery store because they were really cheap and the only cereal there that wasn’t labelled in russian, but then i stopped eating breakfast. now i usually just have a big glass of oj, several cups of coffee, and some vitamins. but today is definitely a cheerios day.

yeah so, i got a haircut. that red bit is a forelock; except for that little clump at the front, my whole head is buzzed. then i dyed it with sfx candy apple red, although since i didn’t bleach first it’s a little dark for my taste. i might bleach it out this weekend and redye it so it’s blindingly red. i figured i’d had the same hair style for twenty years and it was time for something new. i love it, although it still scares me every time i look in the bathroom mirror.

so yeah, i’ve been bad the last couple of days. friday i decided i needed to getout of my apartment, so i met gundam after work and we went for dinner at zen palate. that place is great; they have some of the best vegetarian food in the city. after dinner we opped the lirr and went to his house; i can’t remember if anyone came over or anything. i think we just geeked around all night. he rearranged his bedroom and monitors so that now it’s easy for us both to be using a computer each at the same time. hooray!

saturday we pondered going to batcave but neither of us was really in the mood for it. instead straylight from #penny-arcade came over, along with matthew and killah. we made tea and watched movies and a good time was had by all, although the whole evening ended up seeming to go by awfully fast. after straylight and killah and matthew left, we watched tank girl and gundam’s sister came over with her friend for a while. we ended up not getting to sleep till like 6 am.

sunday we were going to go into the city and do some shopping or something and then i was going to head back to my apartment, but i felt really shitty when i woke up and we decided to make a lazy day of it. rob and killah picked us up around noon and we went out for food, but i wasn’t really hungry. we all went back to gundam’s and hung out for a while, then rob and killah took off. we ended up going to bed really early on sunday because we were both exhausted. not so much even going to bed as passing out during alien: resurrection.

yesterday morning i took the train into manhattan with gundam and then the q out to brooklyn. took a really long shower, talked to my mom, tried to talk to some student loan people, and read trainspotting. tomorrow i might go to the virgin megastore in union square and see chrissy; she’s going to be there for a tori amos in-store.

i feel kind of run down. i haven’t really been eating, and when i sleep i have all these weird, terrifying dreams. i don’t know if this is still anything to do with last tuesday or what, but i wish it would go away.

what a miserable week. i wish we could just go back to monday and start over; everything was pretty peachy when i climbed in bed that night but it was all shot to hell by the time i woke up tuesday morning.

i was reading tycho’s piece on the subject and, as usual, he managed to express an aspect of my own sentiments more effectively and eloquently than i could ever hope to. when help up against tuesday’s events, everything else just seems so incredibly inconsequential, so trivial. who cares about my god damned webcam or the latest jerkcity or whether i remembered to take out the trash; i should be on my knees with gratitude that i’m even alive to think about this crap.

maybe the only thing that doesn’t seem so worthless and unimportant is - duck and cover, trite sentimentality incoming - that this has all made me realize that i do really, honestly care very much not only for my friends but for people i barely know. i never thought i could be affected like this by the messages and gestures of hundreds of people i have never met, and i never thought i would not be able to sleep because of the deaths of people who just happened to live in the same city as me.

anyway. i can’t really think about this any more today. i have a new site for you today or tomorrow, and a new irc server now; derPapst, gundam, and i are in the process of creating HUFFnet, which at the moment consists of irc.caoine.org and irc.ossuary.net, but will soon be joined by irc.rivetdrunks.com. come check it out; the party’s in #caoine.

it looks like a lot of people are starting to try and get back to normal, if for no other reason that to prove that they can. i’m still very distracted, i can’t really concentrate on anything. i’ve had trouble sleeping the past couple of nights but i picked up some excedrin pm and that knocked me out for a couple of hours.

it’s difficult to feel like anything is back to normal at all, mostly because it isn’t. i had to stop watching the news last night and start doing other stuff just because i couldn’t take anything else in; i did the dishes and just read in bed for a long time.

today i more or less finished a new caoine design i’ve been working on; i might put it up tomorrow, i don’t know. it’s not in my ususal style, really, and i am thinking i’m probably going to get heaps of ‘the old one was better’ mail, but i like it and it is, after all, my site.

i’m going to be at gundam’s house tomorrow night probably; right now i’m going to go get something to eat.

what an unreal twenty four hours it’s been. first off, i want to say again how overwhelmed i am by all your emails and messages - not only from those of you with whom i’ve maintained some kind of correspondence but also from those i’ve never spoken to at all. i’m amazed that i merit this level of concern (over three hundred emails as i write this), and i have to admit i feel a little undeserving. that said, all of you have my gratitude; it’s done wonders for my emotional state during the past day to know that so many of you care.

things have settled down considerably since yesterday morning. the sky out my window today is blue, instead of dark and yellow with dust from the wasteland of lower manhattan. however, instead of commercial planes on their way to jfk, there are just a few military aircraft up this morning. the subway seems to be running again - i can hear it go by once in a while; the mayor said last night that the city would be open to some degree from fourteenth street uptown but that people should avoid moving around and into the city if at all possible. i think i’ll probably do more or less what i did yesterday - stay home and watch the news.

there’s no official death count yet. just the fact that everyone is unwilling to make an estimate is alone terrifying - the closest it’s come was last night during president bush’s address, when he referred to the “thousands of lives suddenly ended.” thousands. i can’t even comprehend the fact that thousands of people with whom i used to share my city are just not there anymore. i’m immensely grateful of course that everyone i personally know made it out unscathed, but that doesn’t change the fact that so many others didn’t. i didn’t actually see the video of the towers collapsing for the first time until about seven o’clock last night, when i finally managed to get some fuzzy reception on a few channels showing news. it was horrifying. the descriptions provided by the radio reporters on npr just didn’t do it justice; it looked completely unreal, like something out of a bad action movie.

i’m being told this morning that u.s. intelligence has found the names of three of the hijackers involved in the plane crashes, and that opens up another pandora’s box - what happens when there is finally a definite culprit behind all of this death and destruction? are we talking about an impending war here? i don’t know if i even want to think about it.

i’m going to take a shower and ponder all of this some more, i guess - how could i not. my thoughts are with those of you who still haven’t heard from all of your friends and family who may have been affected, and thanks once again to everyone who wrote to ask if i was okay or say they were glad that i am. take care.

i don’t have time to write a full entry right now but i just wanted to say i’m fine, nothing got hit in my area. more later.

12:50 pm update: this morning has been insane. i woke up around 9:30 am because pine was beeping so many new mail alerts - as of now, i’ve received 113 emails asking if i’m okay. i’m overwhelmed, i had no idea so many of you cared about me like this. i don’t know how to thank you.

i called my mother and other people to let everyone know i was okay, then started trying to find out about the rest of my friends. there was a very scary hour or so when nobody had heard from Strict9 of #thorns, who worked in the world trade center, but eventually gundam spoke to his mother and found out that he’d left a message with her saying he was okay.

i have no radio and no tv reception at all, so i’ve gotten most of my information from other people on irc. around 11am i went out to give blood - there were lots of people doing the same thing and everything was pretty efficient, if very tense. i feel kind of sick as a result though, because i’m anemic and i don’t take well to blood loss. i’m going to go out and get some juice and stuff in a little and i’ll try to get some more pictures of the skyline, what’s left of it.

i don’t know what to say about all this. i still haven’t heard from all my friends who work in lower manhattan and i’m sick with worry. i’m going to go lie down for a bit, i’ll update more later. thank you all for your concern, i really appreciate it. if you can, try to go out and give blood - they really need it.