listening to: background office noise

craving: the weekend. oh, how i’m looking forward to the weekend.

last night: i went over to the police station after work. it took forever and just made me feel more depressed. i don’t want to think about any of this any more.

after that ordeal, i walked over to the hmv at herald square and looked at headphones for a while. i got to see james, finally. james is one of those people who i’m just really glad to have in my life. the same goes for krystal, who showed up a little later to meet john, who also works at hmv. we all sat and dished about the wallet incident, and we agreed that it sucks but isn’t very surprising. krystal was furious that he would do this to me - i think she feels i’m too nice or innocent or something and that i shouldn’t have to deal with this. i wouldn’t say that i’m either particularly nice or particularly innocent, but i appreciate how everyone’s been so helpful and supportive. anyway. james was a sweetheart and krystal a doll, as always.

i went home around 9:15 and missed the last q train by about three seconds. but that’s ok. i got on the next d and fell asleep almost immediately, and only half-woke up just in time to leap off at my stop about an hour later. when i got home i found that my new ponyfalls from tartblossom had arrived - fun fun. they’re much more massive than i was expecting, and much longer. i might have to cut them or something. i wasn’t expecting there to be so much hair involved. still, they should be fun to wear if i ever scrape together the time and energy to go out. i’d love to go to lbv tonight, but i doubt that by the time i get home after work i’m going to have any desire to get all dressed up and head back to the city, only to miss yet another night of sleep. maybe this weekend, though. it is, after all, a three day weekend - i might be recovered enough by saturday or sunday night that i’ll be all set to go out.

i called jamar at work and talked to him till about midnight, then went to sleep. i wonder if i’d like working nights. probably, if i could still have my weekends off, because then i’d be able to go out more without it fucking up my sleep schedule. jamar, however, does not have weekends off right now and there’s not much to do on monday and tuesday nights if you don’t dig alchemy or electra-city.

estimated hours of sleep: five

so far today: getting up this morning was such the challenge. i think it’s because not only was i not asleep for long enough, but i was right in the middle of this really involved dream when my alarm went off, and i always have issues waking up in the middle of a dream. i don’t even remember now what it was about. i ate a handful of raw espresso beans before i left the house to help me wake up. i’m such a junkie.

current plans for later today: i want to go to lbv. i really do. but i think i’m going to be working late, and i’m so tired. sigh.

i will have been here six months fairly soon, which means i start getting vacation time, as well as a few sick and personal days. maybe i should take some friday off so i can actually enjoy myself at lbv for once. i love the event, but i hate never getting to stay late enough and i hate going to work the next day.

what else: i’m placing an order today with ragdoll. fake hair is so much fun, especially when office dress code keeps me from dyeing my own hair interesting colors. speaking of which, i need to re-dye it black.

listening to: voltaire - almost human

craving: the restoration of my faith in humanity? nah, who needs it.

last night: yesterday was rather dramatic in a very depressing way. let’s just say i found out what happened to my wallet, but i almost wish i hadn’t. i have it back, but i think i’m significantly more cynical as a result of the whole experience. i suppose i’m generally too trusting a person anyway… but i don’t like the idea that i have to be suspicious all the time, even around people i think are my friends. and i’d just like to say for the benefit of the person who started all this in the first place - because i know he reads this - i hope you really enjoyed those metrocards and whatever money you got. i hope it was worth it, because i’m not going to forgive you for this.

after the drama of the day, jamar and i went for dinner at cafe spice on university place. it’s lovely, if a bit swank. james and i went there once, the night of the peter murphy concert. after dinner, jamar and i saw autumn in new york which was amusingly terrible, but still terrible. don’t waste your 9.50 unless you really dig stilted dialogue and undeveloped characters. that said, i was feeling better by the end of the evening, and i got home safely.

estimated hours of sleep: six or so

so far today: sleepiness. some russian guy was reading an anne rice novel on the subway this morning. i giggled.

current plans for later today: after work i’m heading over to 35th street to go to the midtown south precinct there and fill out a police report. the only thing that remains to be decided is whether or not i’m pressing charges. as of now i’m leaning towards yes, although me getting some honesty and my money back from the person in question would help to make me think otherwise [yes, that is a hint, you thieving fuck]. i don’t like the idea of having someone i used to be close to arrested, but all it takes to make me feel better about it is to think about how that was my rent money, and how i didn’t have my id and had to talk my way onto the plane to michigan, and how i had to borrow a buck fifty from the movie theater usher so i could get home that night, and how all through that and even now i’m still being lied to about what happened.

after i go to the police station, i don’t know what i’m doing. i might go see chrissy, or i might be tired enough that i just want to go home and go to bed.

what else: i need to get new headphones for my discman. i’m thinking of getting these.

listening to: voltaire - almost human

craving: blueberry waffles

last night: so i did, in fact, go to michigan over the weekend. and now i remember why i like living in a city. the area of michigan that i was in was even more vastly empty than the area of massachusetts i used to live in. there are these endless fields [there are fields, neo. endless fields] and farms and everyone has that midwestern accent and you can’t find a decent cup of coffee to save your life. my great aunt who i went to see was doing slightly better, but that’s not saying much… she’s ninety seven years old and she can’t weigh more than about seventy pounds. you can see each of her bones through her skin. she’s still relatively alert, but so exhausted that she doesn’t really talk or anything.

sunday morning i flew home. i took this tiny little plane out of the two-plane airport at muskegon and transferred at chicago for a flight to laguardia. it’s kind of a long trip and i don’t really like planes anyway, but oh well. the smaller plane was nicer because there were only about half a dozen people on it so i had room. one thing i do like about flying is looking at the clouds from above - yesterday they were these heaping white cotton-candy clouds that looked too delicate to be real.

when i got home, finally, i scrubbed my bathtub again and took a really long bath. i did the classic candles-in-the-bathroom thing just because when i have the regular light on, then i have to look at the ugly pink tiling in my bathroom. i stayed in the tub till the water got too cold, then crawled into bed.

estimated hours of sleep: five

so far today: i’ve been listening to this voltaire album for a couple of days straight now because it’s what was in my discman while i was travelling. while lately i’ve mostly been buying industrial and electronic, this is very addictive in a completely different way. i really like it. voltaire’s vocals are rich and expressive, and the violin and cello add immensely to the sound. the title track is probably my personal favorite, but there’s quite a few i like. on the whole, i like this album more than his first one. it’s a lot like it, but somehow more so.

current plans for later today: work till six, then maybe alchemy later tonight if i’m up for it. i’m still a little jet lagged, though.

what else: i’ve started to dislike dairy products now, too. i’m even taking my coffee black. at this rate i’m going to be an accidental vegan.

listening to: voltaire - almost human

craving: a raspberry-lime rickey

last night: last night was… a lot of things. i went to see the cell with draven, which was good, except that on my way home afterwords i went to get my metrocard and realized i didn’t have my wallet. i went back to the movie theater and talked to the door people and the concession stand people and searched the theater floor and the bathroom and everything but no luck. i know i had it when i went into the theater because i bought stuff at the concession stand with the money in my wallet. and i know i didn’t have it when i left the theater. so who knows.

so that was really stressy. i had an uncashed paycheck in my wallet, which was my rent money, and my driver’s license, meaning that pretty much any girl with brown hair can go cash my paycheck at a check cashing place. and not having my id is a huge pain - i’m supposed to go to michigan tonight, but i need a photo id to pick up my tickets at the airport. i’m not yet sure how i’m going to get around that - i have my old harvard id, but it’s expired. i’m hoping they’ll take it anyway. also in the wallet were three new metrocards, which is a pain because that’s worth about fifty bucks. i got paid yesterday, which is why all of this was in my wallet.

so i was in a panic for a while, but there’s not much i can do really. i still have my house keys and my phone and about ten bucks in cash. i’ve cancelled my bank card and my boss is going to try and put a stop on the paycheck if it hasn’t already been cashed. the id is going to be tough to replace since it’s a massachusetts id. but what can i do.

when i got home, my landlord told me a package came for me during the day. it contained flowers. so many flowers. jamar sent them and they’re beautiful - i have them all over my apartment now in cups and glasses and whatnot. all different types and colors and everything. i love them. they made me feel so much better. i spent about an hour cutting the stems and arranging them and finding containers for them and talking to jamar and by the time i was finished i wasn’t nearly so upset. so yay. and rex left me an adorable message on my answering machine. my friends rock.

estimated hours of sleep: five

so far today: had the hardest time getting up this morning. and then i had to find stuff to take with me to michigan - i just hope they let me get my tickets with my old id.

current plans for later today: my flight, if i can get on it, is at six. i have a stop in chicago where i catch another flight for michigan, where i arrive sometime around ten or ten thirty. bleh. too much time travelling.

what else: the person who has my wallet now needs to be very slowly and painfully killed. maybe something like the intestines bit from the cell. i don’t expect the money back, but the least that could have been done would be to leave the empty wallet with my id somewhere where it would be found. my id isn’t going to do anyone else any good but i really need it.

listening to: radiohead - ok computer [which i highly recommend, by the way. i haven't listened to this album in a couple of years and i sort of forgot how amazing it is]

craving: saltines and ramen noodles

last night: i walked over to radioshack after work and bought this phone. it’s so cool, i love it. i’ve needed both a cordless phone and an answering machine for a while, and now i have both. so those of you who have my home phone number should leave me messages so i can feel special.

when i got home i watched harold and maude, set up my phone, fucked around on the chic or shriek messageboard for a bit, and went to sleep.

estimated hours of sleep: six

so far today: i forgot to bring my phone and electric bills with me to work again. they’re like four days overdue now. bleh.

current plans for later today: draven and i are going to go see either the cell or that christina ricci movie, whatever it’s called. bless the child or something. then i have to go home and pack for my trip to muskegon, michigan. cause you know how much i’m looking forward to that.

listening to: covenant - united states of mind

craving: tea and scones at this place. i went there once with a girl from my writing workshop class second semester and it rocks. apparently rupert everett goes there quite a bit too. the place just drips british, and their tea for two is delicious.

last night: stopped by urban outfitters on my way home. they have like four or five nyc locations, but they’re all within a few blocks of each other, all in the village. that seems rather silly to me. you’d think they’d have like a village location, a midtown location, an upper east location, etc. but no. anyway, i bought a tablecloth thing for my kitchen table, and some more urban decay nail polish. this color is this really thick metallic silver called ’strip’. i’m still working on furnishing and decorating [not to mention cleaning] my apartment, but it’s starting to look pretty good.

estimated hours of sleep: almost eight.

so far today: the q is such a bitch right now. it doesn’t go to my stop because of some track construction or something - it terminates at the stop right before mine, which is too far to walk from and it makes me late. this has been going on for a couple of weeks now and will continue until early september. so i have to change at 34th street for the n or r and take it to lexington and 59th, which is like five blocks from my office, and then walk from there. it’s the change at 34th that bugs me - the trains take forever, so i have to leave earlier now or i’ll be late. so now i leave my house at 7:20 to get to work by 8:45. bah. i hate brooklyn.

current plans for later today: don’t know yet. might be going to the movies with draven or something; we’ll see what’s up later. i have to start planning for this trip to michigan on friday. i haven’t been there in so long… it must be at least like five or six years by now. maybe more. i used to spend most of my summers there when i was really young.

what else: it’s been a while since i’ve worn non-black nailpolish. i rather like it. they also had this nice deep iridescent purple, but that doesn’t really go with anything i have. i might get a blue to go with my hair.

listening to: nine inch nails - the fragile [left disc]

craving: tangerines

last night: nothing special, really. i was at the office till about seven, then i headed home. the train took forever. i futzed around on the web and cleaned up the kitchen a little bit, then watched the lost boys and went to sleep.

estimated hours of sleep: sixish

so far today: making myself get up this morning was such the challenge. it always is when the room is freezing and my bed is warm.

current plans for later today: i might go to electricity tonight, if i feel like coming back into the city once i’m home. i have to go home at least to get dressed, if i’m going out. i predict i’m going to end up being lazy.

what else: i redid my image gallery ['peekaboo' under look]; let me know what you think. i was getting a bit sick of those thumbails - i’ve been using that type of thumb for over a year.

woo. i found a set of icons with the theme of jhonen vasquez’s filler bunny. they’re fun. i think my images directory is going to be ‘monkey shot in head’. go get them here.

smack has a new desktop. check it out here. also, a few people have been doing some really cool stuff with some of my images. i’ll make a gallery for them soon, but until then i’m storing what i’ve got so far here. if you’ve done something like this, send it to me and i’ll put it up. i love this stuff.

hmm. i keep getting the itch to update this mofo during the day, but that sort of defies the once-a-day entry thing i’ve got going on. what should i do? should i add a weblog somewhere else? or turn this into a weblog-style journal? it already is more webloggy than it is journaly, given that i’m not really prone to doing any intense soulsearching quite this publicly. help.

listening to: apoptygma berzerk - welcome to earth

craving: toast. rye toast. and tea.

last night: saturday i went over to spencer’s around one, and we had lunch at this diner near his house, then went to the office, where we stayed until about eleven or twelve.

went shopping for apartment stuff with draven yesterday. i got some snazzy candleholders and new sheets and stuff; it was all way too expensive but it’s fun. when i finally get my apartment looking decent, i’ll take some photos of it or something. it’s getting there, but it still needs work.

last night was good. i fell asleep listening to the matrix and managed to actually get a decent night’s rest.

estimated hours of sleep: about eight

so far today: i didn’t want to get up this morning because my bed was so comfortable. last night i cranked the air conditioner and curled up in my new fuzzy dark grey blanket and it was just too yum.

current plans for later today: no idea

what else: here’s photos from a disposable camera that i finally got developed. the pics are from several different nights. check out my pretty friends right here.

listening to: fictional - fictitious

craving: coffee. good coffee. not office coffee.

last night: i stayed at the office till about five. i scanned some photos from a disposable camera that i just got developed- some of them go way back. as soon as i get them all converted to jpeg and uploaded, i’ll post them.

at five i went to union square to meet draven. it was weird being in union square again - i used to be there so much [i mean, i lived there for like nine months], but i hadn’t been since i first moved to brooklyn in may. draven was adorable, as always. we walked over to the tobacco store on university place and i got some more cloves. it takes me so long to go through a pack, since i only smoke at clubs. it adds up to about two or three cigarettes a week.

after that, we took the train to times square. draven came with me to sephora, where i spent too much money but got some great new stuff. then i went with him to the nyc wf store. the contrast was amusing - sephora is like estrogen-land, but the wrestling store is testosterone-country. i was needing caffeine at that point, so we found a starbucks and chilled there for a while. then we went back to union square, thinking we could catch a movie, but the timing on all the shows was wrong, or it was something we didn’t want to see, so we just walked around for a while and then i went home.

yesterday’s theme was me spacing out on the subway. on my way to meet draven, i wandered onto a queens-bound train instead of a brooklyn-bound one, and was in queens plaza before i realized my mistake. then, on my way home later that night, i was zoning out on the n, and when we got to court street for some reason i thought i’d missed dekalb, where i change to the d. so i ran off the train, only to realize that as soon as i got on a manhattan-bound train that i hadn’t missed my stop after all. so i got off at the next stop and caught another brooklyn-bound n going the same way i’d already been going. i’m such a space cadet sometimes, i really am.

estimated hours of sleep: eight and a half

so far today: set my alarm for ten, but i woke up at nine feeling decently rested, so i got up. checked my mail, fucked around on the web for a bit. i’m listening to the fictional album now, which i haven’t in a while.

current plans for later today: i’m about to hop in the shower, and around noon i’m heading over to spencer’s apartment. we didn’t end up doing anything yesterday, but it’s no big deal. i’ll probably see him for most of today. then tonight, i’m probably seeing draven, and what we do is dependant on how much better i feel. we might go to qxt’s in jersey if i’m up to it, or we might stay in at my place and watch movies or something.

what else: so it turns out my great-aunt [i think she's my great aunt. the relation is kind of complicated, but that's close enough], who is i believe somewhere around ninety, is dying. i’m flying to michigan next weekend, where she and the rest of my mother’s family live. it’s very depressing. the last time i went to michigan was, i believe, for her husband’s funeral.

listening to stuck in my head: depeche mode - personal jesus

craving: cheerios. the regular kind.

last night: after work i went to go see james at the herald square hmv. we were going to go just get coffee or something, but as we were walkingto starbucks, we passed the empire state building. i’d never been to the empire state building, so james decided we should go check it out. the lines were rather absurd, especially for seven thirty on a thursday night, but we weren’t in any particular hurry so it was okay. when we got to the observatory and went outside… it was gorgeous. it was sort of hazy out, and the sun was going down, so the city lights started showing up everywhere as we stood there. with those weird binocular things that you pay a quarter to use, we managed to pick out the parachute jump at coney island, near my house, and the cemetery near james’s house, and the statue of liberty. it was cool and slightly windy out, and starting to get dark. we bought an overpriced soft pretzel and pepsi and watched the end of the sunset and i realized that i’ve been living in new york for a year now. a year seems like such a long time… and so much has happened in the past year. i’ve moved twice, the only two times i’ve ever moved in my life. i’m supporting myself now. i broke up with adam and lost contact with a lot of my massachusetts friends, but i’ve met spencer and so many other people here who’ve affected my life. i’ve only been home… i think four, maybe five times. for brian’s funeral, thanksgiving, christmas, once early in the summer, and then last weekend. i’ve only spent a total of about a week and a half, two weeks at home in the past year. and i don’t really miss it.

so all in all, yesterday was cool. i’d missed james, so it was good to see him again, and i got to finally go to the empire state building. when i got home around nine thirty, i took a really long hot bath and went to bed. i’m starting to feel a lot better. my throat’s still not happy, and i’m still exhausted, but the penicillin’s finally doing its thing and i think the weekend should take care of the rest of it.

estimated hours of sleep: nearly eight, if you count the time i spent asleep on the subway.

so far today: i’m wearing these really ugly pants today, but they’re the most comfortable pants in the world. they’re the ones i brought back from my parents’ house, that i went sailing in on saturday. they’re really soft, if a little too big. the only thing is they’re this army green color. bleh. ah well. today i’m all about comfort.

current plans for later today: i’m hanging out with spencer after work, for the first time in ages. it’s weird to think how little time i actually spend with him now, when only a month or two ago we were living together. i mean, i still see him a lot, and he’s still my best friend, but it’s not 24/7 like it was for a while there. and that’s fine. when i see someone that much, i don’t appreciate it, really. so i’m looking forward to spending time with spencer. we might go to sephora or something. i may or may not go to absolution tonight - i have to see how i am physically and financially. since i’m not completely better yet, it would probably be a good idea for me to go home and go to bed, but i’m also kind of restless. so maybe, maybe not.